Californian Conversations (4 years later)

4 years have passed since I dreamed of this exact day -
waking up to white sheets, roses and you.

I gave up everything in my life so I could fall asleep to the stars,
but I never got to see how bright they could shine.

Maybe I'd rather wake up to skylines instead of fairies.
Maybe I'd rather swim by myself instead of swimming with mermaids.
Maybe I'd rather do nothing at all.
Nothing at all sounds quite nice right now.

The cold sweat of guilt drowns me as gentrification follows me -
I cannot breathe, I cannot smell the roses.

You tell me I rush my way through life,
I tell you I do not have a choice.

You tell me I walk too fast,
I tell you you walk too slow.

We were walking in North Hollywood and all I seemed to care about was what I wanted.
Was I being selfish? That word seemed to follow me my entire life.

Every block someone wanted my attention but I just kept walking.
They wanted my money, they wanted my time for a survey, they wanted me to check out their mixtape.
Every "excuse me" made me walk faster, as I continued to be desensitized to all the madness around me. I thought that was normal - of course, that was all I've known for the past two years.

Then, as one man was forcing his mixtape in my face as I ignored him, he said to me, "Oh, we have a New York girl."
I brushed off the comment. In a sense he was right. New York was the place I felt most comfortable and I've lived with a New York state of mind my entire life. Did this mean I was passive? Did he see that I was rushing my way through life too? Am I a self-centered, dead-inside, dehumanizing, career-driven New-York type girl now?

I'm sorry.
I am delusional and comfortable.

I may be a pedestrian on the road but I am not a pedestrian in life.
So go ahead, run me over. Run me over until I cannot feel it anymore.
I will haunt you and love you all the same.

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