Lost at Sea

I'm so detached from humanity in the most peculiar way.

The past few weeks I've had no desire for human contact. Like, I don't wanna be looked at. I don't wanna be touched or noticed or heard. For once in my life, I want to be silenced and ignored. I just want to be in a corner: the metaphorical corner every room seems to have.

Maybe it's because I'm hibernating for winter or I'm in one of my weird moods/stages, but maybe this means something.

In a sense, this has always been in my nature. Always to myself and liking it that way. Sometimes I just feel like another species, though. It's so hard to explain.

I don't find myself having the other desires and hungers many humans on this earth desire and are hungry for. I don't feel worse or better about it.

The connections I have with most humans are very rarely face-to-face. Sometimes words aren't even included in the connection. And they certainly aren't long-lived. They are very spiritual and very unspoken. I know it exists mostly from feelings and observations. Sometimes dreams and intuition. Sometimes something a friend-of-a-friend told me. Sometimes straight up virtual lurking.

But I do see those connections and I prefer my connections to be made as such, because they feel more magical and less real.

I remember one time when I was no older than 6, I was lying in my bed at night. I had my favorite books, a bag of goldfish, and Grumpy Bear with me. I recall visualizing my bed as a boat lost at sea and me having nothing but my favorite books, Grumpy Bear and an unlimited supply of Goldfish.

Funny thing is...I remember thinking, "That is all I need. I'm fine with that. Hell, that's even what I want."

Then going to public school kind of changed my life. Let me phrase it this way: having to go out in the world and dealing with humans changed my life. It only got worse as I got older because the interactions only became more real. At least the first few years of elementary school I could still play house and shit.

Years and years later, people still hit me with small talk and their shitty jokes and their screams for approval and I still do that same fake ass, straight-faced chuckle I did in elementary school.

I think it's okay to feel this way though. I can count the people I've really connected with over the years off the top of my head but I am actually quite glad about that. I've had so much time to focus on myself and art and nature and the actual people I love.

I get so turned off my things like animalistic tendencies, superficial lifestyles, family values, fetishized culture.

I exist on a different frequency. I sing on my own key. I find comfort in different things, and I am hungry for other things.

Growing up, it was always, "everybody but me," in a sadistic, lonesome tone. But now, I leave you with this song. X