{2016} Priorities

2015 was a wiiiild ride to say the least. According to Spotifys' Year of Music, the first song I streamed in 2015 was Weightless by All Time Low. If you are unfamiliar with it, it's the pop punk song that says, "Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year." Well, I can't even tell you how much I listened to that song in January 2015. Or just the entire year. Or maybe my entire LIFE.

Every lyric is GOLD, but that one line is priceless. I felt like that a lot in 2015. I would have a week where I basically did nothing but sleep and gain weight and I would chuckle nervously and be like, "Haha...not a good weekend, but THIS IS STILL GONNA BE MY YEAR! WATCH OUT EVERYBODY!"


Or I would pull a Maria and burn 502 bridges all in one month and still optimistically say, "It's all goooood! I don't need them anyways!" *blasts IDFWU while wearing the same sweatpants I was wearing the day before*

Those weekends would inevitably happen, but I still didn't lose hope that 2015 would bring some success to me, no matter how late it would come.

So let me guess, you are biting your fingernails on the edge of your seat wanting to know, was 2015 my year? That's debatable, but a whole lot did happen and it prepared me for the next year...two-oh-one-six.

I lived in three different places, did a cross-country road trip and I saw my blog and my writing grow tremendously. I got to go to Disneyland like, a hundred times which is a lot considering just a year ago I've never been!

I had several different jobs. Some of them introduced me to lovely people who make my heart smile. One of them I walked out on literally one day after training. One of them taught me about what I was really made of. And one of them is getting me a little closer to my career goals.

I ate so many avocados and egg rolls and hot cheetos and ramen and falafel and other yummy stuff. I watched so many awesome new TV series - Orange is the New Black, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Master of None, etc! This is stuff I do every year but it's still exciting because food and netflix are the reason this generation is thriving.

I got in touch with my favorite fandoms again which is beyond important to me. I had time to actually reflect on the nostalgia that runs through my blood, you know? Sometimes when you get busier than you used to be, you don't have time to do things you used to, like checking your favorite news sites and social media for news on your favorite band. Staying up all night and playing Skyrim. Livestreaming the E3 expo. Downloading all your weekly podcasts. Live-blogging every award show and live-gramming the Hunger Games premiere. These are things I would do on the daily, and they became obsolete in my life. In 2015, I got back on track with my fandoms and I hope to get better in 2016.

I realized how in love I am. So so so in love. With my soul mate, with myself, and with life.

But also, I had a dark period, as I do have most years because I am an emotional roller coaster of symbolic emotions. (I told you 2015 was a wild ride...)

2015 to me represented transition. I was always transitioning between situations and never had time to rest. Waiting for things to add up, waiting for something to happen, waiting for everything to feel homey again. But every moment I started to feel right, something went wrong again. And there I was again, transitioning to another town, another job, another adventure, another feeling.


I had a dark period because I neglected my health and my sanity just so I could merely exist in a capitalistic society. As Ron Swanson famously said to Leslie Knope in Parks and Rec, I was half-assing my way through life just to make ends meet. But...you don't wanna half-ass your way through life. Because if you're half-assing all your relationships, all your jobs, all your meals, all your outfits, all your work, all your life...who's going to remember you? No one. What impact will you make? Zero.

I'm laying on my mattress, drinking my double tall soy mocha and eating my two petite vanilla bean scones, trying to get these words across the right way so I can start my 2016 off a little bit brighter than I'm ending 2015.

If anything, this New Years I'd like to get my priorities straight.  I'm sick of fumbling around, not really liking anything I do. Settling for too much, just trying to get by. Bleh. It sounds disgusting just talking about it. I think I just want to be more direct and upfront with myself and look life straight in the eye and tell it what I want. For other peoples' convenience, I just let things happen. I don't want to be a bother to anyone. But that isn't going to fly with me this year.

I never call my 'resolutions' resolutions, I call them priorities. Things like "eating healthier!" or "learning the ukulele!" and "getting better at makeup!" may be things I want to do in 2016, but they don't have a timeline. I can do that anytime I want. Before my tiny fingers learn how to ace a G chord or before my contour actually looks good, I need to get these priorities straight.

What I want to make my priority this year:
  • My writing, my art, my goals. Why waste any time on empty jobs distracting me from my purpose? I made this one of my 'priorities' for 2015 and I am proud I actually stuck with it, but obviously I have tons more work to do. Within the next month or so, I want to quit all my side jobs and cut all that clutter out of my life. I want to focus on making writing my main career, which I know is feasible, it just is going to be yet another transition period. LASTLY, related to writing, I want to write for myself. See? This post is for myself. It's not for money, a company, another site, or someone else I'm writing for. It's alllll for me. I think I'd like to do more posts like this because it makes me happier to document my life in words. That is my passion after all.
  • My mental health. Because MENTAL HEALTH IS SO IMPORTANT, especially when I have a history of unavoidable sadness. I need to worry about my happiness before worrying about others people and their happiness. Sacrifice is always a nice trait to have, but I've been doing that too long. Can't neglect my own sanity. 
  • Actually having control of my life. I'm talking to you, world! I'm not even 20 years old yet, which is a lot for people to comprehend. I may be an old soul, but I have so much to experiment with as life goes on. F R E E D O M - is what is important to me this year. I want to be able to develop my own schedule, my own rules, my own lifestyle. I'm at a time in my life where I have the opportunity to experiment with freedom so I'm going full force with that in 2016. I'm not gonna dip my feet in, I'm gonna get soaked. 
I really hope 2016 brings nice things. Earlier today, I was walking to get my afternoon coffee and was just looking down at the sidewalk. I was looking down and all I could see were my black flats, grass, and concrete. My black flats touched hundreds of sidewalks before, but this one was special. I just heard the birds. I felt cold air and sun. I smelt pine and maple. It was like I didn't know where I was or where I was headed to, I just felt happy. All of my senses were satisfied. If I looked up, I would've seen everything. But I kept looking down, so I could be happy in my own little world. 

That's what I want 2016 to be like. I hope you all had a great Holiday and I hope your New Year is even sweeter. I'm just so excited to start anew, this December has been a stressful one.

XOXO,

Maria Elena

No Rules, Just Words.

I see the day coming.

Where sunsets are more important than a time clock.

Where I can speak the tongues of eternity and the song of myself,
instead of dialogue from a grey suit to a mindless herd.

Where the only costume I wear is of consent,
not force.

When ethereal realms exist instead of cardboard boxes and concrete walls and metal buttons.

I know the day is near, and I am so beyond stressed. Filled with anxiety of "what ifs." But I know I am not an island. If anything I am a plateau, connected but distant. My generation is filled with this because we are trying to break free from the chains left for us. Some of us, anyways.

I wasn't filled with so much symbolic emotional dazzling sensuality to just stare at walls and soulless eyes, that I know for sure.

I know so much for sure.

I'm not wearing a leather jacket. I am not outspoken, perhaps I'm even a little too shy. You won't find me smoking cigarettes or walking in the dark. I wasn't meant to break the rules. I wasn't meant to have rules to start with.

Sometimes, I'll avoid a systematic obligation or I'll break a rule out of lack of comfort and people will say, "Hm. That doesn't seem like Maria."

But they do not know me, they only know a devastatingly sad girl who is enslaved by the world many of you happily live in.

I am not looking to break rules.
I am looking not to have rules.

Because I am not a machine and I do not come with a program manual.

And so it goes.

The day is so near.

I can be a woman again. I can be Maria Elena again. I can be...well, me again.

How to Visit NYC Without Being a Total Tourist

New York City serves over 56 million tourists each and every year, foreign and American. However - only 8.4 million people actually live in New York. With that in mind, you can assume that most of the people you see walking those NYC streets and avenues are from out of town.

While there’s certainly nothing wrong with being a tourist in the big apple, it can be quite a disruption for not only the New Yorkers, but for you. There are so many more efficient ways to get the most out of your trip.



  1. Don’t waste too much time in Times Square.
    This is the first thing I say to anyone visiting New York for the first time. Sure, it’s pretty - but when you really think about it - it offers everything your average city would. Oh look, a Mcdonalds! A Forever 21! Is that Toys R Us? H&M? Woah, this is all too much! Not only that, but it’s a really stressful atmosphere. I think everyone should experience Times Square at least once, but please, don’t spend an entire day there.
  2. Take the subway and avoid cabs.
    Save your money while educating yourself and experiencing real New York life. Although most of your favorite TV shows and movies based in NYC show people taking cabs, this is beyond unrealistic. It costs way too much money and is actually less efficient. The subway is the fastest way to get around. I only take a cab or uber if I’m going to the airport or something.
  3. Get cheap pizza and overpriced coffee.
    99 cent pizza hands down is the best thing about the city. Overpriced coffee with fancy latte art is the second best thing about the city. There are hundreds of thousands of food options in the city, so choose wisely.
  4. Venture beyond Midtown Manhattan.
    This may be scary for someone coming from out of town, but it’s worth it. Go to Coney Island. Downtown Brooklyn. Spanish Harlem. Chill in Queens.
  5. Use airbnb instead of a hotel.
    Ever since I lived in New York, staying in a hotel seems like a total downgrade. Airbnb gives you the opportunity to stay in residents apartments. If you’re trying to travel on a budget, this is a must. Thanks to airbnb, I’ve gotten the opportunity to see what it feels like to live in every borough.
  6. Go to local events.
    Warning: You will meet unforgettable people and you might never want to leave. I recommend local concerts, flea markets, release parties, seasonal events, and so on. You’ll actually feel like you’re apart of something.
  7. Just chill and take it all in instead of trying to fit too much into one day.
    Literally, just walk around Central Park. Take the subway to the East Village and get coffee and chinese food. Wander around and just observe everything. When you try to fit too much into one trip and don’t give yourself time to relax, you won’t have any time to enjoy it. And who would want that?
  8. Don’t waste your money on lengthy guided tours.
    This is such a timesucker! So many tourists make the mistake of spending a whole day on tours of Ground Zero, Empire State Building, 30 Rock, etc. I can promise you this: you will get the most out of your trip by visiting these places yourself. 


    Overall - Do your research!
Google exists for a reason. It could be the very reason you found this article. Go into your trip with some knowledge, but be open-minded. You never know where your trip will take you.

My Decisions Don't Need to Be Validated or Understood

Hi there, lovely person reading this. Hello friend I haven't seen a while. Hi there, random person at a party I literally never have seen in my life. Hola to the people I see in the elevator. Bonjour to the people that are new to my life.

Introverts like me try to keep conversation simple when they know there's really no point in elaborating. Like, if I'm never going to see you again and I have no interest in you as a human being, I'm not gonna get that deep. I'm going to try to end the conversation probably as soon as I can.

So when you ask me questions such as, "Why did you move to California?" and I say, "Just because I wanted to," don't assume I don't know what I'm doing. You don't need to know. Stop shooting me with thousands of questions because you don't understand my way of life.

It's too hard for me to explain myself because my life isn't a chapter, it isn't even a novel, it's a fucking series. Therefore, sometimes I keep it simple with a few words because I don't need my life to be validated by some random individual.

"So..it wasn't for school?" No, it wasn't. Not everything in a young adults life is for school. I don't follow a formulaic path of life and there's nothing wrong with that.

"So like, what is your goal then?"
Uhhhh...being happy and living my life. People assume because I moved to a city filled with opportunity that is my goal to be some rich actress-model-director hybrid and that's not the case. I just feel more comfortable with more opportunity around me.

"Wait you live THERE? You work there? You don't have a car? You're dating him? Wait, why? You drove here? You left NYC? You left your hometown? Wait what what's going on?"
Congratulations on being boring and privileged and not understanding that not everyone has a 2015 BMW and goes to an Ivy League school for accounting and has never left their hometown and has never worked a minimum wage job or any job in their life because their parents pay for everything.

No hate, but don't act so shocked when people are less privileged than you.

LASTLY -
I don't need a label for my occupation. I'm sick of people trying to figure me out. I work so many different jobs and gigs and I have so many different goals and what I do to make money doesn't define who I am.

I'm sick of having to answer questions with sugarcoated answers because people don't understand. You don't need to understand homie. Exit to the left.

the { PINK } gift guide!


Gift guides have always been a guilty pleasure of mine. But we've all seen "gift guide for (gender) of (age range) who likes (hobby)." So, I've decided to do a {PINK} gift guide...and we're not talking Victorias' Secret, either. This gift guide is filled with pink, sparkle, & cuteness. Because that's what I'm all about. Let's get started.



source
1. PINK CHIFFON from Bath & Body Works. This fragrance is the princess of fragrances. It's not the typical overpowering scent you'd get, but it's also not too grassy or fruity. It's beyond complicated to describe. I feel like I'm floating on a cotton candy rose musky strawberry pillow. So yeah, you could say Pink Chiffon is the best. And you can never go wrong with getting someone lotions and fragrances.





 2. This microstud knit scarf from Vera Bradley is totally instagram-esque minimalistic but has the sparkly studs to keep it glitzy for...well, every one who needs glitz in their life. My favorite thing about this cozytastic scarf? It literally goes with everything in your closet? I've been wearing it with things as simple my Mickey Mouse sweater and as fancy as my pink faux fur. It's great for the Vera Bradley fan that prefers simpler patterns.


3. Sailor Moon Tuxedo Mask Circle Skirt from Hot Topic.
Okay. So, Hot Topic is loaded with Sailor Moon merch and I want to include it all. So pink. So girly. So POWERFUL AND ADORKABLE. This skirt was screaming at me, "Please. Choose me." Therefore, I simply had to. Those cat tights aren't so bad either.






4. October Stud Earrings from Vera Bradley.
The simpler the earring, the more beautiful. This shade of pink highlighted with silver tone can captivate an entire crowd of people. I would wear this with pajamas or a wedding dress, for crying out loud. So delicately stunning. These earrings will quite literally be your best friend.



5. Satin Pumps by Sophia Webster for NET-A-PORTER.
I'm not much of a shoe girl. However, I'm pretty sure if I had to choose one pair of shoes to wear for the rest of my life it would be this one. The hearts on the heel are KILLING ME. SLAYING ME TO DEATH. It might be pricy but I need.

6. Starbust Strawberry Gum.
For those who love the juicy sugary taste of Starbursts without all the sugar and stomachache after. What an adorable stocking stuffer! This has made me a gum-chewer again, no joke. Delish.
7. Artwork by Tyler Feder
Ughhhhh, I love this girls art! If you want to be more familiar with her, she did my blog banner! I've also bought prints from her before too because she's so awesome. It's fueled with artistic independence and girl power which is what my blog is all about.




/ / / This is a sponsored post in partnership with Vera Bradley and Her Campus Media. All words and opinions are my own.

Repetitive December

i couldn't stand to look at your face
and i coughed you out every time i accidentally breathed you in.

when you tried to open me up,
i was embarrassed that it worked.

and now i wonder if i'm just imagining things.
i saw you - and i knew you saw me.
i burned the bridge between the river that separated the city and the suburb.
so there was no where left for me to run.

i am a wandering spirit -
making them laugh for a day.
showing them crazy
and showing them life
for a few minutes.
then i freeze up and go home.

i loose all livelihood and i run overseas,
walking on water,
turning it to ice.
i am too cold;
too silvery and bitter
for them to remember.

but with you?
no.
it was days of laughter
and months of crazy.
it was fire and ice.
the constant melting and shedding of us -
the owl and the mouse.

i don't remember much about you,
but i do recall one thing:
the look on your face when i told you i was leaving.
the moment sort of stopped and you starred at nothing,
shifting your typical dead eyes to the ground.
what would usually be an instant response
faded into a slow jumble of words that didn't make sense.

you fixed yourself and changed the subject.
i promised myself i would never see you again.

I Don't Want to Be Cute


i am not as sugary sweet as you think i am.
they see me in silence, observing the pedestrians.
they see my cheeks turn pink at every word.
they see my lashes bat.
they see me let them take advantage of me.
"aw, she's so cute!,"
they'll say to me.

but it's always surface.

cute cute cute.
like a mindless baby or a helpless puppy -
cute.
never beautiful nor intelligent.
never stunning nor hilarious.
never provocative or captivating
or so mind-blowingly interesting
just cute.


i may not show you all my layers and colors
because i am nothing but a lazy acquaintance -
never fond of small talk or cheap jokes.
not fond of women named jane
or men named joe.

but those layers and colors are there and i don't like them to be dismissed by the flatness you see.


i am not an image
or a facade
i'm not a robotic fairy
waiting to hear your virtual claps for approval
// just to simply breathe.

did you know i take each and every breath?

do you know how hard that is for me?
why does everyone see me as a sink
when i am an ocean?

don't call me cute.

it makes me feel so small.
i demand words with more letters and more meaning.
because when i am called cute -
i am being seen as empty, mindless, and unknowing.


candy and honey and sugar are not names for me.

i am a ghost pepper,
a myth to many.
but realer than most.
unapproachably, devastatingly...
real.

why can't i help but feel like everyone i talk to is downplaying my existence?

i don't want to be cute anymore.

"what's your biggest fear?"

i shouldn't be imagining
when i have all of this right in front of me.

and if i was doing what i was imagining
i would be imagining what i was doing now.

i would slap myself in the head for taking
all that i loved for granted and trading it for
the jittery imagery of scenery i craved.

so i listen to this fucked up playlist of emo music
and think of my deepest
darkest
fears.

source: ophore.tumblr.com

usually in playful conversation
the passenger seat
will turn to me and ask,
"what's your biggest fear?"

i stare into the distance,
sighing because i'm at a loss for words.

"nothing, really. i don't know. i just can't think right now."

finally - on a night bus to nowhere i realize.

my biggest fear is not being able to hear the music.
not feeling tingly in my stomach
or not feeling such immense emotions when
that emo playlist plays
and hits my palate.

my biggest fear is becoming immune to your cancer
not being able to taste the tears of every song.

each and every cell
proton
and quark,
doing everything in their power to make sure
i don't break out in a smile when your hand touches mine.

i fear the days molding together,
without a title to define it.

i fear the symbols of nature
will soon
just be biological names
in a  dictionary and I won't feel a thing.

i think i fear being numb.
i fear cynicism taking over my body
until i am drenched in frostbite.
i don't want to be immune -
i want to be so ill
if that means i get to feel something.

11 Lush Products We All Need


It's almost 2016 and I'm pretty sure every human being in the world is in love with Lush Cosmetics by now. Their fragrant bath bombs, luscious shower gels and natural vegan products can make anyone feel like a queen. Whenever I'm stressed out, I know Lush can save my night. As Sylvia Plath said, " There must be a quite few things a hot bath can't cure, but I don't know many of them." So, let's talk about these to-die-for Lush products.
  1. Sex Bomb Bath Bomb

    I'm surprised if you haven't heard about this bath bomb by now. Sage, jasmine and soy milk come together to make all your romantic bath dreams come true. Add candles and some acoustic tunes and you might just fall in love. Be warned!
  2. Henna Hair Dye
    Lush has a line of henna hair dyes that naturally brighten or darken. Yes, it's for red, blonde and brown hair! It's a nice alternative to the chemicals you would get in normal hair dye. And because it's all natural, you know it's not gonna damage your hair.
  3. The Sacred Truth Face Mask
    Wheatgrass, green tea, and papaya? More like heaven for a health nut. Ask any beauty guru out there and they will tell you this is the best Lush face mask there is. You can only buy their face masks in stores though because they are made fresh and must be refrigerated! 
  4. Dream Steam Toner Tab
    Steaming your face is beneficial when it's just hot water or even just hot tea. But adding a toner tab filled with skin-awakening antioxidants is BEYOND beneficial. Plus, it's one of their cheapest items. 2.95? Count me in!
  5. Rose Jam Shower Gel
    You know how you'll use shower gel and it smells really good when you're in the shower? But by the time you're out of the shower it's kind of like the beautiful scent disappears? That isn't the case with Rose Jam. You will literally smell like roses everywhere you go after using this. 
  6. Guardian of the Forest Bath Bomb
    If you want to feel like an ancient faerie goddess frolicking through a forest of oak trees, this is the bath bomb for you. And who wouldn't want to feel like an ancient faerie goddess?
  7. Icing on the Cake Shower Smoothie
    Coconut oil for soft skin? Check. Citrus oils for that effortless glow? You got it. The beauty of this shower smoothie isn't just on the outside. You'll leave the shower feeling like royalty.
  8. T'eo Deodorant
    There has been quite a debate going on for a while regarding deodorant. Are they safe to use? Do they work properly? Regardless of what you think, Lush has deodorants using safe ingredients from essential oils that combat bacteria and they don't run expensive.
  9. New Charity Pot Body Lotion
    Basically body lotion for the soul. Lush donates 100% (yes, you heard me right) of the proceeds to small organizations working for human welfare, animal rights and environmental conservation. The gift that gives back. 
  10. Fairy Dust Dusting Powder
    Get the highlight of your dreams with this sparkling dusting powder. The moment this hits your cheekbones you will literally start wondering if this fairy dust came straight from Tinkerbell. Get that glowing, fairy look!
  11. Bohemian Soap
    This soap will look beautiful sitting by your sink and it will feel just as lovely. Coconut and lemon oil team up to clear your mind and soften your skin.

♡ { v a n i l l a } christmas ♡ ; a playlist


enchanting hymns of peppermint & snow angels.
darling lovers under covers.
light bells & light voices.
hopeless christmas wishes
wanting to be close to those
you love
and yourself.
vanilla christmas filled with sugar & spice.



Mustard & Mint Green

So what if I write a poem about you?
I don't like you or love you.

I was wearing fourteen layers of mustard and mint green
and you briskly touched my back with your hand so lightly.

You were moving behind me,
but you didn't have to touch me.

There was so much space between my back and the wall.
I felt shivers down my spine.
Still -
you didn't have to touch me.
But you did -
so lightly.

Your hair flows like a Spanish river.
Your face straight out of a Renaissance painting.
And your skin no lighter than mahogany.

If I could put you in codes and unlock you, I would.
But I would rather just leave my window open
and listen to the robotic owls.

So it goes:
who cares if I write a poem about you?
I know I'm not worth your time.
And you certainly aren't worth mine.

For there are such beautiful and aesthetically pleasing things for you to look at.
For there are so much more important things for me to do.

I am not beautiful,
but unfortunately,
I can't say the same for you.

Triforce Twilight

singing about turquoise rooms & skyway avenues
i didn't want to leave.

we were alone in a building of 32 stories
the floats were flying past our windows.
everything was ours.

i remember we woke up late,
but once we got to 58th and park,
we saw the snow fall
as the flags were waving.

that's all long gone.
and so is the poem.

unless something magical happens tonight
to save me from the blanket of sadness that covers me.
i'm too afraid to take it off,
because you told me california gets really cold in December.

i'm not thankful for many people
or places
or things.

we were drenched in vanilla twilight,
that song was always our guilty pleasure.

all i want to do is be at hogwarts with you,
eating turkey legs in the great hall
listening to the carols of the ghosts gliding past us.

then maybe we could go to hogsmeade and get a butter beer.

i want to be in
a cold living room
with zelda playing in the background

but instead we are on different schedules
and all i wanna do is sleep.

The Cinderella Effect

I felt so deprived.
Not of money or greed or things you can touch,
but of something so intangible
yet something so necessary.

It was I who chose freedom.
Freelancing through every concrete ceiling
and frolicking through every cultural forest.

Is there a land of the free?
Or does it cease to exist?

I am controlled by a devil,
a parasite sucking energy from within.

How can I frolic
or skip
or dance
if my metabolism burns all the fruit it gets?

It's a mental anorexia,
you can taste it in frequencies.

Living bodies from every borough and every tongue -
seeing me as a slave,
throwing their selfish demands at a girl who was an expert at invisibility.

I was Cinderella,
on my hands and knees -
cleaning up messes for those who didn't care about me.

I was living to please,
with dirt on my skirt
and a song in my heart.

My best friend was a squirrel
and that's not even remotely a metaphor.

You may read this and wonder who it applies to.
Is it a general statement to society?
Is it from my personal experience?
Or perhaps is it about you,
the very one reading this?

I write to confuse the minds of those who live in zero debt of the hand but major debt of the psyche.

However, if the shoe fits,
it fits.

(Please pay for your shoes next time, we all know you can afford it.)

conversations with me, myself & God

when i was a little girl,
no older than three,
i would teleport to another dimension in my sleep.

i would go out of my body
and fly around the house
sneaking through wooden panels,
quiet as a mouse.

one night i talked to God,
and as he smiled at me,
i told him "i don't like it when my mommy and daddy tell me what to do, i want to be free."

before he could reply,
i went on a spiel:
"you listen to me, you listen to me good.
no teacher's gonna tell me how to look and no priest is gonna tell me how to feel.
i want to read harry potter and i want to stay up late.
i want to drink 8 cans of grape soda and eat warm cookies on a mickey mouse shaped plate.
if i ever have a boyfriend, tell him he can't boss me around.
if i ever have a boss, tell them they better back down.
i am the princess of my own castle - the master of my fate!
and although i love you God,
i think i need some space."

three year old me didn't see God as a shining light
or a middle eastern man with a brown beard.

i saw him as king triton
or albus dumbledore
or perhaps a hybrid of them both.

so, this king triton-dumbledore hybrid God smiled and shook his head as he looked down at me.
"little girl - listen to me, you listen to me good.
in my kingdom, you will always be the princess of your own castle.
you can read books with all the witchcraft you want
and no politician or celebrity can tell you what to flaunt.
the man of your dreams is already born,
and he is dancing in his room - free as a bee.
i made sure he likes harry potter, so you'll never disagree.
until you meet, young girl:
make sure of this.
i created men and women equal -
so if a man ever tries to tell you what to do,
know it came from me if he catches the stomach flu.
fiercely independent, i saw that in you from the womb.
anyone that can't see that doesn't deserve to see you bloom.
next time your boss tells you how to behave,
tell them you are a princess - not a slave.

i may have a plan for you and that plan may be great.
but i created you with free will
and the ability to change your fate."

i tried to hug him but as i squeezed tight,
i realized it was my pastel blue teddy bear in my sight.
the next day i went to school,
the boy that was mean to me wasn't there, his name was nick.
little did i know he was out sick!
my teacher told me to count to one hundred,
but i counted to 38 instead.
my mom told me to eat dinner at the table,
but i ate goldfish in my bed.

the conversation we had that night,
i still repeat in my mind.
i now know who i am,
while everyone around me is blind,