Set the Scene With Passing Thoughts {another post with no point}

Sitting on my mattress drinking mint green tea looking forward to the pizza lunchable I will eat in a few hours. 

When I first got to California, I had an air mattress. It was all that fit in the 1998 Chrysler Concorde and it actually worked quite well. Then it decided, "Hey, I'm going to start deflating for no apparent reason even though there isn't any holes." After that, came the "sleeping on the floor" era. I gotta say - it wasn't as bad as I thought. Add a few blankets and pillows and you're in a cozy fortastic paradise. 

Anyways, back to the present tense. You know what? Just kidding. I'm going to get that pizza lunchable now.

Anyways, I'm currently wearing navy blue basketball shorts with white stripes on the side, and my black work shirt that I didn't bother to change out of from earlier because I took a four hour nap and forgot. 

I'm also wearing a bra that literally doesn't even fit me and that I probably got at Target years ago. I never bought a bra from Victoria's Secret or anything fancy like that because I always thought I didn't need to. To this day I still wear bras that never support me correctly. It's actually really uncomfortable and I'm just starting to actually realize this now.

Oh and my hair? My hair isn't even hair anymore, it's just one big never-ending knot. I'm probably going to have to cut my hair with my safety art scissors soon, and it's going to look bad because it's going to have to be really short. Or I can just pretend I'm Hermione and deal with the fact there are seventeen animals living in the nest on my head.

(I have a theory this happened because I was too cheap to buy good shampoo so I bought 89 cent shampoo and now my hair is filled with buildup. My fault.)

I'm wearing my outdated glasses. No one knows I actually need glasses because I refuse to ever wear them and I'm too sensitive to contacts. I usually can see pretty well but seeing far away gets me.

I was so excited when I ordered them in the 10th grade but now I hate them because I can see the details in my face and it scares me.

My mascara is smeared under my eyes, with little microscopic dots of black mixing in with my little microscopic orange freckles.

Now that I set the scene with my current state, you can kind of tell I'm a mess. Not even a hot mess. A lukewarm mess. A room temperature mess. 

Currently listening to Utopian Futures by Kimya Dawson, aka my mother from another grandmother. 
We're searching for something that was lost
And centuries all have covered up

We're flailing to find the smallest fragments of our liberated lives
And every tiny piece we find
We pick up and glue together
Collectively working for our utopian futures to collide
In snuggly beds and midnight talks
In wandering bike rides and wayward walks
Making up all of our own music, art, myth, food and news
It's happening everywhere we go 
Collective bookstores and basement shows
Sharing a song that we all know or making up new ones as we go

The air is cold but a good cold. Some would complain that it's too bitter but I like the way it sweetly bites my pale skin. It goes beyond the numbness and makes me feel something. I just went to check the mail and looked up at the stars and felt nothing. But the bittersweet cold made me feel.

I miss looking at the stars and nature and feeling things. I miss it when people made me feel things. Gosh, I miss reading. And I miss being cute. Why am I always missing something?

My writing doesn't make sense. And I don't really make sense either. I'm missing myself, maybe.

My lavender fleece blanket is wrapped around my like a burrito and my halloween lights are still up behind me because they weren't up long enough for me to feel like I got my moneys worth.

Today, I was talking on the phone and online with Apple Support for hours and I'm pretty sure I am never going to get a cell phone again because everything is so complicated and expensive and technology fucks up all the time. It really messes with my mood sometimes, you know? Like, our phones are such an important part of our day-to-day schedules now.

Now that mine is entirely useless, I have no phone at all. It feels so weird! I feel so shut off from society. I don't even use my phone that much but it just feels so unnatural not to have it.

But I also feel inhumane paying hundreds and hundreds of dollars for phone bills and phone repairs and phone cases and extra data and new phones and service fees. The older I get, the more I hate this shit.

The older I get, the more I hate capitalism.

I'm now staring at the ceiling and realizing how ugly and stupid and ugly and overpriced my apartment is. So I decided to look at Craigslist for other apartments in neighboring towns and I even looked at apartments in different states. Why is everything so expensive. It's like society wants us to fail.

I just don't understand. When I really experience life and look at the reality of things, I see the truth. But then I go on instagram and I see all these people with literally no career living in cute perfectly lit 3 BR Downtown LA apartments.  Or I'll turn on the TV and see all these millennials trying to make it while somehow affording perfect Midtown Manhattan apartments. You'll never know how truly unrealistic the portrayal of certain lifestyles are in music / social media / television / etc until you experience life in that place long enough.

I guess that's why I want to produce a TV show so bad. I could make it so relatable and I could hit the issues no one really likes to talk about without being too serious.

It feels like so much of me is lost within the ocean. It's still there, somewhere between those waves, but it's hard to find. What was once so important and valuable me is now wavering in all that is blue, looking for something to hold onto.

Passion. A word that used to be in my vocabulary, now means nothing but 'Passion Iced Tea." When I heard that word a few years ago, my mind would turn into a galaxy, but now, I just think of a hot pink iced tea with 4 pumps of classic syrup in it.

My lifestyle lately has made me a better person. It has made me struggle on the level that most people don't have to struggle on. I didn't exactly grow up privileged compared to most of my peers, but now, all of that privilege I had is in that metaphorical ocean I was telling you about earlier.

I love being able to look in the mirror and be like, "See that bitch right there? Yeah, she's one cultured, down-to-earth, compassionate individual."

It feels good to walk outside my apartment door every morning and appreciate every living thing for their contribution to society and truly see everyone as equals. I don't look down on anyone and I don't look up on anyone anymore. I've become a yes man. If someone talks to me, I reply. I will never dehumanize someone by ignoring them or trying not to help them.

I feel like Esmeralda lately. "I ask for nothing, I can get by. I know so many, less lucky than I."
My life certainly isn't near perfect and sometimes, opening my eyes is hard. Getting out of bed is hard. Biking to work is hard. Taking the bus to my other job is harder.

But I live with my best friend AKA the best person in the entire world to ever exist. Andrew and I wanted to live together ever since like 6th grade, so despite my annoying busy schedule it's nice to see him everyday.

I work for the best company in the world. It's literally my occupation to create happiness. Just the other day, an old couple came in from across the country to celebrate their anniversary and I could tell how excited they were to be at Disney. While they were waiting in line, I ran across DCA to get them two "Anniversary" pins so they could remember their trip. It makes me happy that I have the creative opportunity to give guests moments, tangible and intangible. I love doing everything I can to help people out. Just in one day, I met someone from every single continent. And that's not something everything can say.

 I get to eat pizza lunchables. Need I say more? I have a mattress. Yay to no more sleeping on the ground! My hair looks like Hermione's hair and Hermione is the best witch in her class, possibly all time.

I may be numb when I look at the stars but at least I still have the vision to see them and realize they're beautiful.