Enthusiastic Girl + 'Boring' Life = Realizations

Lately, I've been having realizations about the way I've been living my life and how it's not healthy for me. Happiness is key, mental health is key, spirituality is key, relationships are key, art is key. So...what exactly was I doing wrong?

I didn't want people to love me or hate me. I wanted to just be there. If I was grocery shopping, it was just that. If I was working, it was just that. If I was at school, it was just that.

But with me 'just being there' in so many situations in my life, I began to lose my identity, therefore, I began to lose moments that had so much potential to be great out of a silly fear of people having any type of feeling towards me.

One night I lost it. I began crying, and crying.....and crying some more. Why wasn't I immersing in life? My life looks so good on paper and in pictures. And to be fair, it is a good life. So why did I feel this way?

It's because I didn't give myself time to feel these moments. I was rushing myself through life and running in circles. I ran into this problem too often and I was sick of running into it again.

I didn't let people in my life the way I used to because I was clouded by what was important to me. I had the relationship I wanted, my career was on the right path, and I knew what I wanted in life...so everything else was just background noise. I stopped talking to people because I didn't want them to expect anything out of me.

I suppose I was just used to conversation meaning more than conversation. I always assumed if someone was talking to me, they wanted something from me: whether it be money, food, advice, or a connection to someone I knew.

Rainy day in LA.
And if it wasn't for something I could actually physically give them, it was for what they wanted me to be in their life - their best friend, their girlfriend, their advice-giver, their colleague, etc. And because I never knew the intentions when someone started conversation with me, I would avoid it and keep it minimal.

It took me along time to find out who I actually was and I went through a lot of soul-searching to get there, but then I got comfortable. I started to pick and choose who I would be myself with and where I would be myself.

I started hiding parts of myself out of convenience and just to make the day go by faster. Yet because I was living like this, every day felt the same: boring and bland.

My thoughts continued to flow through me. I remembered who I am. I am eternally enthusiastic and I embrace the little things in life: my favorite snacks, the change of seasons, little compliments from people. Yet lately, I haven't been appreciating those things. So I knew I had to get out of this funk immediately, because I was wasting the biggest gift I could ever receive: life.

One day, I thought, "fuck it." I decided to be ME in each and every moment and talk to everyone that crosses my path. I was done downplaying myself. I spoke up when I wanted to speak up. If I wanted to make an inappropriate joke, I did it. If I liked what someone was doing, I told them. If I wanted to reference a film that no one knew, I did it anyways because maybe (just maybe) someone might know about it.
I wrote this blogpost while eating this yummy lunch box.

Not everyone has such intense intentions while talking to you, and let me tell you, it sure makes life a lot better to talk to people.

For the past few days, I've been journaling my experiences. Some of the things I immersed myself in the past few days:

  • I woke up to the rain and it was so peaceful. My neighbor was lighting a maple candle and I smelt it through the window. Amazing way to start the day. I was so sleepy...yet so relaxed..yet so connected with nature...lucid dreaming...ahhh...
  • I had pretty awesome conversations with people I normally wouldn't talk to. From politics, to Disney, to food, to nail polish - I benefited people and people benefited me! Living life this way makes the days feel more unique and a more immersive experience.
  • Turns out going grocery shopping while all the halloween stuff is for sale makes me REALLY happy. I've really been enjoying the change of seasons and I really show it. 
  • From auditions, to writing, to baristaing, I always make sure to make genuine connection and enjoy something out of each and every day / moment. I never want one day to look the same. Let's add some laughter, some weirdness, some emotions, some mistakes, you know?
  • I'm done with that lazy mentality that our generation gets caught into so much. Sleep, social media, all nighters, memes, more sleep...you know? I got so caught up in it that I began to lose my personality a bit. Not about that life anymore.
  • I thoroughly enjoyed simple things like walking, driving, sunsets, music, and coffee like I used to. These things are important.

So, there you have it world. I don't wanna lose the best parts of me. I don't want my life to fly by as I stand there, numb and emotionless. I haven't "self-helped" in quite some time and I now know how truly vital that is for me. X