I Can Do It On My Own

I haven't added angsty webcam pictures to the internet since freshmen year. Welp, here you are internet! (I didn't know what else to add.)

I've always been rather independent. However, I still appreciate a helping hand from others every now and then. I guess I assumed that's what the world would do for me. And when I wonder why no one does help me, it's the same thing. "Maria, you're stronger than everyone else. Maria, you never needed anyone else." They're right, I am strong and independent. However...I keep asking myself the same questions, over and over again. "Since when does being strong and independent mean you have absolutely no weaknesses?"

I like opening up to you guys. It's like no one is listening but at the same time everyone is. Anyone who wants to listen can. I feel like I've been through so much struggle in my life but I kept it to myself because I never wanted anyone to pity me. Yet deep down, I was hoping someone would notice. I was hoping someone would say, "Hey, have you been alright lately? You haven't been yourself." But even if they did ask that, I would probably smile and say, "Oh yeah! Haha just busy." 

I think of all times I've hugged people while they cried in my arms. All the times I drove people to random parking lots just so we could talk. All the times I welcomed 2 AM texts without judgement because we all know I was up anyways. 

But I'm afraid to even tell someone I'm in a bad mood! I feel so vulnerable and weak just by writing this. I feel like if I put down my shield even just for a few moments, someone will take their sword and cut me open. A lot of the time, I feel like I'm slowly winding down. Like a car from the 90's or a Xbox that has been played too many times. I wish I could talk about the specifics. I don't know if I ever will be able to. I'm never going to give up.

But I do have a story to tell. There's a reason I'm good at giving advice. Sure, I've been reading magazines religiously since the 1st grade and I watch a lot of inspirational films. But I've experienced so much in my life that I do not tend to share with the common man. 

I see so many strong men and women coming forward with their stories. Sometimes they speak up right away, however, sometimes it takes years for them to gain the courage. I want to be there to inspire and to help. I want to come forward with my story one day. I want to prove everyone wrong one day.

Until then... thanks for reading.

Maria Elena