Suffocating Thoughts

This isn't a story. This isn't a poem. This isn't a work of art. This is a blogpost of my thoughts.

I've been thinking a tad too much lately. Just completely unnecessary thoughts. The thoughts that a person would ponder at night: "Why are we here? What happens when we die? Did I make a mistake? Am I good enough? I'm so stressed. What's even the point to life? Everything seems so meaningless." And so on. These thoughts suffocate me. Not just at night...in the day time. When I wake up, when I go to bed. And even in my dreams. All I want is to be happy and simply live in the moment, but something is stopping me from it. I am not okay with uncertainty, I am not okay with life being meaningless.

Yet, I've been losing hope. I'm trying, and I've been trying for far too long. Although I know I will not give up on this journey we call life, I want to enjoy it because I'm realizing how precious it is. I guess it hurts to realize life may be all we have. Reality has finally hit me in the face. I guess it's better to live a life being aware of the truth and appreciating everyday instead of comforting yourself with a lie.

Why am I always searching for an answer that I will never find? Why? I've researched every religion and philosophy, paranormal activity, love, history, mythology, psychology, astrology, numerology, science, spirituality and I researched them all over the past few years very intensely. Yet I'm still looking. I'm so lost. When it comes to this, the question is: Is it even posible for me to be found?

These thoughts consume me. I wish them to go away. I almost feel the need for comfort. I want to know the following things:

  • My life today matters in the bigger picture.
  • Who I am as an individual, my personality, my self, and my memories won't leave me when I die.
  • That I can be with the people I love eternally.
But in reality, all of the signs are showing me none of that is true. After all, why would it be? Our whole Earth can explode and the universe will still go on peacefully. Even the universe will come to an end one day. Therefore, why would my little life be important or even be a tad significant?

I am not normally like this, and I apologize. I have been so optimistic and so spiritual lately. I don't know what happened. I need some reassurance. All I know these thoughts are suffocating me, and I want them to stop.

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