I walk into an empty room, trying to remember what was here before me.
I vaguely remember the faded yellow walls and the lavender sheets.
Feeling numb, nothing left but dreamy nihilism and nostalgia for a time I never knew.
Living life in solitude isn't too bad when I'm with you.
Dressed in pastel chiffon and flower crowns,
You're in your studded boots and black button down.
Corner cafes, spiral staircases, and polaroids.
Sharing vanilla milkshakes and listening to frank sinatra records.
Take me to the theatre, give me a suburban escape.
I'll wear a pink chanel suit and pearls.
My bones were decaying, my mind was dying.
I found a light that never goes out in your narrow eyes.
The American dream made me come alive.
Make your life a work of art and you will never die.

CYBER SUICIDE / Part 2 of 2: Virtual Reality

The Internet does great, beautiful things for us, but it also destroys us, usually without us even having knowledge of it. It connects us with people all over the world, lets us provide and receive information at the click of a button, and is a great tool for businesses, artists, and entrepreneurs. It's like a reverse blessing in disguise. It seems too good to be true. That's because it is. The Internet can be bad for you.

While this article can be for anyone, I am directing it towards teenagers because I've experienced bad side effects of the Internet as a teenager and I've seen other teenagers do the same.

First, let me just list the bad things:
cyber bullying, is linked to causing depression, anxiety and other mental disorders, rots your brain and mends your identity, addictive, takes you away from reality and life, usually not reliable information, can make you lose your sense of self, online predators, triggering for bad behavior, open communities that are pro anorexia, pro self harm, pro drugs etc, lowers self esteem, and so much more.

Delusional children and teenagers get a mixed message on what society is, what people are, and how they should be. I've been exposed to the Internet from a VERY young age. (2nd grade) Therefore, I learned about things before most children did, and it really brainwashed me. As a teenager, I began to use the Internet more and thought it was a great place. Eventually, it had taken over my life. People don't like to admit they are addicted to the Internet or that it's taken over there life but think about it. You use it everyday, have several social networking accounts, and chances are you worry about your Internet image more than your real life image. As teenagers, we like to think we aren't addicted to the Internet because everyone's addicted. Therefore, it's the norm.

There are two kinds of people on the Internet. One of them posts things on the Internet, and the other people make fun of them. It seems like we happen to be both of these people at some time in our lives, and really, there isn't a better one. The first one constantly is posting unnecessary stuff that a certain type of person finds stupid, so that person makes fun of them because they think they're better than them. I found that a lot of people on tumblr try to put on the image of "I'm better than you because I listen to indie music and wear creepers. I pretend to know a lot about the world but really I spend all of my time getting constant reassurance I'm special from my 437 followers." The majority of people on tumblr are brainwashed and its disturbing how they don't even realize it.

The teenage years are the most vulnerable years of your life. And when the Internet and the teenager combine, it equals insanity. You're trying to figure out who you are, what you like, what you wanna do, and so on, but the Internet can shape a person the wrong way. I've seen people change literally overnight because of the Internet. I don't know why, but I believe it's because there are so many communities on the Internet and once the people in that community accept you, you wanna be like them and you feel it's your destiny because you felt accepted for once. That's not true. Whether you believe in predetermined destiny or not, I'll tell you right now, you're not gonna find it on the Internet. What you need to realize is a like, a comment, retweet or a reblog is NOTHING but pixels on a screen. It may feel good for a moment, but in the long run, it will get you no where.

CYBER SUICIDE / Part 1 of 2: Rebirth

About a week ago, I decided to not use any social networking for a full week. Which means no twitter, the main website I use. I deleted my Facebook and tumblr about a year ago, which gave me a permanent sense of freedom and sense of Self. After not having facebook or tumblr for such a long time, it didn't even cross my mind and gave me time to live freely. I deleted twitter for a month and remade in July. So as you see, the Internet and I have gone through a lot. The reason I wanted to eliminate social networking completely for a week, was to see how it would effect me. Sometimes people get so caught up in their Internet lives and keeping up to date with the Internet that they forget about their actual physical lives.

The first day, I realized how mindlessly I use twitter. I think it's a very good resource for inspiration and connecting with others. I consider myself a writer, a thinker, and an introvert, so twitter is a nice, simple way to get my thoughts out there. But sometimes I would just unlock my phone and my fingers would go to where the twitter app used to be whenever I was not doing anything! That's a habit I knew I would break with this experiment. Twitter shouldn't make up your life. As the days went on, I didn't even think about twitter. I don't need it, but I'm not going to deny its a great resource to have.

One huge benefit from this was I did other things a lot. I thought for myself a lot more. On twitter, I see the thoughts and creations of so many other people and I draw inspiration from it but, it takes away my inner self sometimes. I got to read, watch the history channel, expand my knowledge on religion, science, astrology, and the "meaning of life." I even felt less disconnected from my surroundings and a bit happier. All of that was from a week without twitter.

I'm definitely going back on twitter and staying there, because all in all, it didn't have a huge affect on my life because my Internet addiction is long gone, but it helps and I highly recommend it for anyone, whether you use social networking frequently or not. x

A Permanent Numbness

I love the feeling you get before you fall asleep because you feel nothing at all. You're numb. You're still aware you're breathing, but you can't feel anything at all. Every sense is no longer needed. It's dark and your eyelids are heavy. You're alone with nothing to touch. No need to taste or smell, there is nothing but dry air. The silence grows quieter by the minute, and as you drift you become deaf. Every feeling, every thought, every memory, is forgotten. In that moment, you are nothing but an object of nothingness. Funny how this mass nothingness transforms into dreams, our own little world where we can get away from reality. It feels so real even though we're numb, spiraling into an even deeper sleep with no control. At the break of dawn when we wake, our senses come alive and we become tired. You can taste every doubt and smell every regret. You can see the light shining through your window, and hear the screeching noise of your alarm. But mostly, you feel. You can feel everything. Our lives are basically just an escape from reality. We don't wanna leave our bed, our numbness, our fake lives of nothingness. It's a never ending circle of rebirth, that ultimately leads to death: a permanent numbness.


No religion is better than another. If you try to be the best person you can be, why does it matter how you label yourself? If there is some type of afterlife, or God that claims to love everybody, he wouldn't send people to hell simply because they didn't dedicate their lives to him (some people aren't even educated enough to know about the depths of every religion anyways).

Our purpose in life is to create meaning. Looking for meaning in life is hard enough, and as we grow up, we realize sometimes you have to make your own. People live in constant fear they cannot find meaning, and that they will just die and that will be it. People live in fear of thinking they are not good enough, and they will go to some type of hell. Bad things happen to people, and they wonder why. They don't know who to turn to or how to go on. And sometimes, people simply feel alone and prefer to be in an organized religion to feel apart of something. All of these things have something in common. As humans, we like to feel like we're apart of something. Religion gives us meaning in our lives when we lack it. It reassures us we are living for something, It reassures us everything will be okay. It makes us feel safe. It gives us a sense of togetherness. That is the purpose of religion in my opinion.

Religion is exclusive. It basically gives you a set of rules. You're not living your life for yourself, or doing the things you want because of it. Sometimes, it even causes massive guilt and self-hatred. Most religion is very similar. The morals are all the same, they all originated around the same time, and the practices are even very alike. The only main difference is who they worship. Just different names. Just different Gods.

Today I went to the library and got several books on religion, myths, and philosophies out of pure curiosity. There are thousands of God's amongst all of them, and one is not better than the next. Every single person has a different perception of God. Even people in the same exact religion, or even the same church, have a different perception God. There is no right or wrong answer. But religion should not be exclusive! It should not make you feel bad about yourself! I chose to not label myself when it comes to religion, or anything really. I don't need the acceptance and recognition from the public, I am very sure of my own being. Once you label yourself, society sets standards for you. You're now a living stereotype. I prefer to live in mystery, and have people wonder. If you ask me a simple yes or no question such as "Do you believe in God?" I'm afraid I cannot answer that for you. I do not want to deteriorate your beliefs, and I don't want you to categorize me. But to be honest with you, I really don't have a religion. I believe things from a lot of different religions, and philosophies, and even some things from mythology and astrology. I figure if I just live my life with as much meaning as possible, and create my own meaning, I will die happy and be remembered. And if there is an afterlife, I will go there with great honor.

Love and Art

I will always cherish your musky smell, your soft skin and the way your lips linger on mine at the end of every kiss

Your eyes convey more emotion than words, or pictures
And I love you

I will not search anymore
My star-crossed soul is at peace

Heaven became reality
Reality became fantasy
You are my fantasy
It's always been you

You are my purpose, my passion
The beginning and end of every thought
My first, my last, my love eternal

If you are the paintbrush, then I am the paint
Together we are a masterpiece
Our love is a work of art

The Virgin and the Ram

They will not remember me
They will not remember you
They will remember us

Lonely tourists will stand and stare
Harlequin hearts beating across the atlantic
Surrounded by blue roses and tall buildings
The flashing lights blurring out the decaying cadavers

The ocean envies the depth of our love
The angels, the demons will take us